Monday, August 27, 2012

Sleepless Nights

I found myself lying in bed last night wide awake.  It was 4:00 in the morning.  And it wasn't the only time this weekend that happened.  It has been happening more and more to me lately.  And for a girl who REALLY likes her sleep, I am finding this very disturbing.  

I have traditionally been a sleep through the night person, but for some reason I have had a lot of trouble getting a good night sleep this summer.  I think maybe all the upcoming transitions are starting to set in.  I have started to realize that this thing I said I was going to do.  This thing I want to do, and strongly believe God is asking me to do, is about to start.  And it isn't going to be easy.  

It's not that I thought it was going to be easy, but I think I naively thought I could just squeeze it into the extra time I have during the day.  Now I'm not so sure.  My identify the last 10 years has been that of a wife and a mother.  My family has come first.  I have made sacrifices and changed big parts of me, to be better at serving them.  That is who I am, a wife and a mother.  And I think I thought that is who I would remain to be.  My identity wouldn't change during this process.  But I think it will, I think it has too.  I will still be a wife and a mother and my family will ALWAYS come first.  But now when someone asks about me, I won't answer with what my kids and my husband are doing, I will answer with what I am doing.  And maybe that is a good thing.  

There will be sleepless nights to come, I recognize that now.  Some will be because my husband is out of town (I never sleep well when he's gone), some will be because I am worried about my kids, and some of them will be because I'm in seminary.  I'm doing something for me and it's not going to be easy.