I found myself lying in bed last night wide awake. It was 4:00 in the morning. And it wasn't the only time this weekend that happened. It has been happening more and more to me lately. And for a girl who REALLY likes her sleep, I am finding this very disturbing.
I have traditionally been a sleep through the night person, but for some reason I have had a lot of trouble getting a good night sleep this summer. I think maybe all the upcoming transitions are starting to set in. I have started to realize that this thing I said I was going to do. This thing I want to do, and strongly believe God is asking me to do, is about to start. And it isn't going to be easy.
It's not that I thought it was going to be easy, but I think I naively thought I could just squeeze it into the extra time I have during the day. Now I'm not so sure. My identify the last 10 years has been that of a wife and a mother. My family has come first. I have made sacrifices and changed big parts of me, to be better at serving them. That is who I am, a wife and a mother. And I think I thought that is who I would remain to be. My identity wouldn't change during this process. But I think it will, I think it has too. I will still be a wife and a mother and my family will ALWAYS come first. But now when someone asks about me, I won't answer with what my kids and my husband are doing, I will answer with what I am doing. And maybe that is a good thing.
There will be sleepless nights to come, I recognize that now. Some will be because my husband is out of town (I never sleep well when he's gone), some will be because I am worried about my kids, and some of them will be because I'm in seminary. I'm doing something for me and it's not going to be easy.