Thursday, November 20, 2014

Will They Ever Know?

Being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life!

Far harder than my own adolescence, far harder than setting off on my own, far harder than learning how to navigate that first year of marriage.

Raising kids. It. Is. Hard.

One of my kids got hard news today.  They wanted something, worked hard for something and thought they would get it, but they didn't.  And it hurt.  It made them cry.

Honestly, it made me cry too.

To see my kid hurt and NOT be able to fix. Hardest. Thing. Ever.

Don't get me wrong.  I have seen my kids cry before.  I have even made them cry before.  I am not a "You want it, you can have it!" kind of mom.  I know my kids will face hard times.  I know that it is the hard times that will ultimately draw them closer to God.  I want them close to God so I must, therefore, want them to go through hard times.  But recognizing that with my head and living with that in my heart are two very different things!

The hardest part, the very hardest part is that this kiddo processes things internally, they won't talk about, the more I react, the harder it is for them.  So I will smile and pretend everything is okay and we won't talk about it, not till this child is ready.

But in the mean time, behind closed doors.  I will cry.  Because my child is sad, and I can't make it better.

Will they ever know?

Will they ever know that I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME they cry?

Will they ever know that everything they worried about, I worried about more?

Will they ever know that every dream they had, I dreamt for them too?

Will they ever know there were nights I snuck into their room just to watch them sleep, thanking God that I got to be their momma, even when it was the hardest thing I ever did!?

Will they ever know?

Will they ever know I fought for them, with every breath I had, from the moment they were conceived until the day I die?

Will they ever know how many hours of sleep I gave up, how many meals I ate cold, how many miles I drove, how much I willingly sacrificed just for them?

And will they ever know that I would gladly do it all again?

I wonder if they will ever know.