I should be running right now. I should be, but I'm not. I didn't want to. Even though I know I'm supposed to. Even thoughI know that this race is going to be that much harder with every run I skip. I still skipped today. Not to sleep in, not because I was sick, just because I didn't want to. I seriously failed at self control and self discipline today.
Self control has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. I seriously lack any kind of discipline in my life. When it comes to eating, exercising, cleaning, studying, whatever it might be, I am not a disciplined person. This is one character trait I have always desired but never fully possessed. Yes I can be disciplined at times, sometimes even two times in a row. But long term, consistent discipline? Not so much.
I have been working on memorizing this verse from 2 Peter 1:5 "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."
I have a strong faith. But I want more. So I am trying to add to that faith goodness, a goodness that other people can see. A goodness that goes beyond doing the right thing in my actions and words. But that is harder than I anticipated.
It is one thing to have knowledge, to KNOW what it is you are supposed to do. I study the scriptures (not as much as I should, again discipline is an issue for me), and I know what God asks of me and how Jesus calls me to live. And I'm guessing that a lot of you know this too. But then it takes self control to DO that. And this is where I struggle.
Doing what I know I am supposed to do, all the time, that is SO HARD for me!!! I think that is why after self-control Peter says add perseverance. Even I can have self control once or twice. But every time? Consistently doing what I am supposes to do? Persevering in the choices I make daily? No way. I fail far more than I succeed. But that is what perseverance is right? Not giving up, but trying again and again. Every time I have the choice to choose differently. I don't have to make the poor decision just because that is the one I usually make. I can choose correctly THIS time. And the next time. And the time after that...
But eventually, I will mess it up. I will make the wrong choice, I will lack self control.
This is where grace comes in. This is where Jesus picks up what I cannot do. I will never have this down. Self control is something I will struggle with all my life. But Jesus knows that, and he loves me anyway. He loves imperfect me, perfectly. Even when I should be running, but I'm not.