Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I Should Be Running But I'm Not

I should be running right now.  I should be, but I'm not.  I didn't want to.  Even though I know I'm supposed to.  Even thoughI know that this race is going to be that much harder with every run I skip.  I still skipped today.  Not to sleep in, not because I was sick, just because I didn't want to.  I seriously failed at self control and self discipline today.  

Self control has ALWAYS been a struggle for me.  I seriously lack any kind of discipline in my life.  When it comes to eating, exercising, cleaning, studying, whatever it might be, I am not a disciplined person.  This is one character trait I have always desired but never fully possessed.  Yes I can be disciplined at times, sometimes even two times in a row.  But long term, consistent discipline?  Not so much.

I have been working on memorizing this verse from 2 Peter 1:5 "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."

I have a strong faith.  But I want more.  So I am trying to add to that faith goodness, a goodness that other people can see.  A goodness that goes beyond doing the right thing in my actions and words.  But that is harder than I anticipated.  

It is one thing to have knowledge, to KNOW what it is you are supposed to do.  I study the scriptures (not as much as I should, again discipline is an issue for me), and I know what God asks of me and how Jesus calls me to live.  And I'm guessing that a lot of you know this too.  But then it takes self control to DO that.   And this is where I struggle.  

Doing what I know I am supposed to do, all the time, that is SO HARD for me!!!  I think that is why after self-control Peter says add perseverance.  Even I can have self control once or twice.  But every time?  Consistently doing what I am supposes to do?  Persevering in the choices I make daily?  No way.  I fail far more than I succeed.  But that is what perseverance is right?  Not giving up, but trying again and again.  Every time I have the choice to choose differently.  I don't have to make the poor decision just because that is the one I usually make.  I can choose correctly THIS time.  And the next time.   And the time after that...  

But eventually, I will mess it up.  I will make the wrong choice, I will lack self control.  

This is where grace comes in.  This is where Jesus picks up what I cannot do.  I will never have this down.  Self control is something I will struggle with all my life.  But Jesus knows that, and he loves me anyway.  He loves imperfect me, perfectly.  Even when I should be running, but I'm not.