Monday, July 28, 2014

The Real Me

I've come to the realization recently that I don't always show people the real me.

I'm an open person, perfectly willing to share the stories and events of my life.  But there are parts of my story I tend not to share.  There are parts of me, the earthly me, the me I would be without Jesus in my life that I tend not to talk much about.  And perhaps I overemphasize the person the good parts.  Perhaps I spend to much time talking about the me I am trying to become through the power of the Holy Spirit.  I don't want to become a whiner who spends all her time complaining about her sins and mistakes, but I do want to let you all know I don't have it all figure out yet.  I am a new creation in Christ, but I still battle with the earthly me who wants things HER way, who is prone to emotional outbursts and would rather read a novel than the Bible.

Someone, a good friend, recently commented on my marriage, how Erik and I seem to have this marriage thing down.  That is so far from the truth I was taken aback for a moment!  Is that the image I portray to people?  Because it's not the truth.  Yes Erik and I love each other deeply, but let's be honest... we fight.  We argue, we disagree, and we annoy each other.  At the end of the day (or usually by morning at the latest) we work it out, but don't think for a second that we have this marriage thing all figured out.

Another friend recently made a comment on my prayer life.  This comment made me laugh out loud!!! If there is one spiritual discipline I struggle with it is prayer!  I could give you the list of excuses why, but honestly, that's all they are, excuses.  Yes, I talk to God, everyday (or almost everyday), but I do not spend hours (or even half of hours) on my knees each day.  Occasionally I do, but not often.  Sometimes my prayer is focused, more often it is distracted.  Sometimes I make it through all those things we are supposed to pray for (adoration for God, thanks for His blessing, my spouse, my marriage, my children, their future spouses, their teachers, their friends, their safety, our country, our leaders, the church...) more often than not most of these things get left out.

This week was our church's VBS and I was one of the co-directors.  The first year of directing is a little like trial by fire.  There is no list of your job description because anything and everything falls under "your" responsibility.  It was a lot of fun, but it was also a lot of work.  Along the way someone asked me if I ever just lost it.  They inferred that I always had it together.  And although I will give Jesus credit where credit is due, He and the Holy Spirit have come a long way in helping me tone down my out of control temper, my nearly-about-to-combust outbursts.  However, I still on occasion just lose it.  Usually at home, usually with my own family, but not always.  Sometimes I still have public explosions and though they are not as damaging as they used to be, they are still humbling, painful, and require apologizing to whomever I hurt when all is said and done.

I am a new creation in Christ, just like the Bible tells us.  But that doesn't mean I have it all together.  That doesn't mean I don't still have moments the earthly me rears her ugly head.  Honestly, I am so far from having this all figured out, I feel guilty when someone implies I have things figure out, because it just means I'm not showing them the real me.

The real me is a sinner, daily in need of the grace and forgiveness that will only come from my Lord and savior Jesus Christ.  That is the real me!!