Thursday, December 13, 2012

Am I Even Growing

"Am I even growing mom?"  the words came out of my completely exasperated 5 year olds mouth.  He has been trying to catch up to his older sibling for, well, all his life.  And frankly, he doesn't feel like he's made much progress.  Every time he is FINALLY able to do something they have been doing for quite some time, something else comes along.  Something they can do, but he can't yet.  And he's frustrated, he feels like time is standing still and he's never going to catch up with them, he is never going to grow up as big as they are.  

The truth is, I can totally relate.  I had a similar conversation with God today.  "God, am I even growing?"  Yes I am a whole lot more book smart than I was 3 months ago.  I know things now I didn't even know I didn't know.  But have I grown?  Sometimes I'm not so sure. 

Erik and I had a doozy of a fight a couple of weeks ago, one of the biggest of our marriage.  So big, I even got flowers afterward (that's pretty remarkable!)  Needless to say I'm not proud of the way I handled myself.  I said things I shouldn't have.  And was slow to forgive.  I still lose my temper with my kids more than I (or they) would like.  Words come out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them.  Wouldn't some of these stronghold in my life (anger, pride, uncontrolled mouth) start to go away if I was really growing?  

I told JT what I knew to be true.  Yes, he was growing!  He can now reach the sink all by himself, he no longer needs the step stool.  His clothes from last year no longer fit him, and we just had to buy him new shoes.  He didn't out grow them in a single day, but over time, without us evening noticing, he has grown.  

I have to trust that the same is true for me.  Yes I still make a lot of mistakes, I still have strongholds in my life and I am not the person I so desperately want to be, at least not yet.  But I am also not the person I used to be.  I have grown, not in one single day but over time. In the weeks, months and even years that have passed.  Yes, I am growing.