When Miracles Don't Come

Last week our church laid to rest a young mom.  A mom who had battled cancer for the last three years of her life.  A mom who left behind behind a husband, a six year old daughter and a four year old son.  

A few weeks prior to this, in a completely separate conversation, someone asked me if I thought God still performed miracles.  

I told her, "Yes! I absolutely believe in miracles!"

Do I still think that today?

Yes.  I really do.  But I also recognize that it is not always in God's will to heal.

Some of you may nod your heads and agree with that statement.  And some of you may see red and get spitting mad. That's okay.  I get that. I do.

How could it possibly be "God's will" for a child to lose a mother or a husband to lose a wife?  Honestly? I don't know.  I don't pretend to understand why God does what He does.  Why God allows what He allows.  I don't understand why there is so much loss and pain in this world.  I only know there is.  

I also know God never leaves us nor forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5).  I know God is our refuge and strength in times of trouble (Psalm 50:15 and 62:8).  I know that in Him is a peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:7).  I know His word is true and He keeps His promises.  

There was a time in my life, years ago, when I fell to my knees and cried out to God for a miracle.  But that miracle never came.  I know what it feels like when God chooses not to answer your prayer.  I know what it feels like to believe in a God you know is perfectly capable of healing, perfectly capable of performing miracles; and yet have to live with the aftermath of a dream shattered, the absence of a miracle, the loss when healing didn't come.  I know what that feels like.

And though I can accept those moments, share my grief (and sometime even anger) with God and lean on Him in the turmoil that follows; I would be lying if I said the question of "Why?" never entered my mind. 

Sometimes, I am able to understand the "Why?" given enough time and distance.  Other times, I'm not.  I still have no answer to give when someone comes to me with a heavy heart asking why God didn't do what they know he is capable of doing.

In my seminary reading this week Richard Rohr, a catholic priest, wrote something to this effect...  Jesus never healed for the sake of healing.  The miracles Jesus performed, all of them, were always about, and always will be about, inner transformation.  People today cry out to God and ask for healing, but have no interest in the inner transformation that must go along with it.  

So I looked back at many of Jesus's healings and it turns out, Rohr is right.  Jesus healed not so bodies would be healthy but so souls would be saved.  When I cried out to God for my miracle years ago, the one that never came, I wasn't crying out for transformation, I wasn't interested in inner change.  I was calling out for my wants.  Legitimate, God honoring wants, but wants all the same.  In the 12 years since the night I spent on my knees, I have been more transformed by His faithfulness, His love and His devotion to me, than I ever would have been had He performed a miracle that night.  

I will never fully understand why God takes a child before their life has been fully lived.  I will never fully understand why God would take a young mother from a family that desperately needs her.  But these are things God never intended for me to fully understand;  that is why it is called faith.  I have to have faith that His way is best.  I have to have faith that His plan is perfect, even when it makes no sense to me.  I have to have faith that "ALL the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" (Psalm 25:10), even when it's not the way I want things to be.  

God is gracious and compassionate (Neh 9:17), don't forget that.  Even when the miracle doesn't come.

Treasured Possession

"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."

Deuteronomy 7:6

It sometimes amazes me how you can feel so alone in the middle of a great big crowd.  Have you ever felt that way?  You are surrounded by people, voices, even laughter; you are sharing experiences, stories and life with others and yet somehow you feel...lonely.

This reality was a heavy weight on my shoulders throughout my time in Haiti.  The kids in the orphanages were surrounded by people, 56, 80, sometimes 89 other kids depending on which orphanage we were at.  This number doesn't even include the mommas (what they call the caregivers), the teachers, the pastors or other staff that was there. The kids were surrounded by other people, yet if there was one word I could use to describe these kids it would be... lonely. 

They were starved for attention, desperate to be held, yearning to have someone look them in the eye and say, "I see you!"  "I know you!"  "I love you!" They needed that as much, if not more, than they needed food or the fun we brought.  I guess that doesn't make them so very different from us.

We all have this desperate need to be seen, to be known, to be loved.  We need to know we are valued, adored, treasured.  We need it like we need air to breathe and food to survive.  It is a basic human need.  And the children of Haiti are human.  Just like you.  Just like me.  

If you are like me, you have had people around you all your life.  And I am willing to bet that most of you have had someone in your life speaking these words to you, telling you "I see you."  "I know you."  "I love you."  

But if you are like me, there have also been times in your life when you have been lonely.  When you are convinced that you are not seen, not known, and not loved.  I am guessing there have been times when you, just like the orphans in Haiti, have wondered if there is anyone out there who values you, adores you, treasures you.

I want to tell you there is.  

Your heavenly Father absolutely adores you!  He does!!

He sees you.

He knows you.

He loves you!

YOU are His treasured possession.  

Don't forget that.

Home

It was pretty obvious as soon as we stepped off the plane, we were NOT in Kansas anymore!

This was definitely not home!

As we exited the airport to the chaos of the Haitian culture, foreign languages surrounded us, people crowded us, and smells overwhelmed us.  Isabella grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, "Will it be like this the whole time we are here?" I squeezed her hand and said a quick prayer.  

It was pretty clear that we were strangers in a foreign land, "aliens" the Bible would say.  This was not our home.  And honestly, it was a little.. okay... a lot uncomfortable.

We missed being able to communicate with the people around us.
We missed our familiar American food.
We missed American plumbing and hot water.
We missed air conditioning and drinking tap water.
We missed our cozy beds and nights free from the sounds of Haiti (roosters crowing at ALL hours of the night; dogs barking, cars honking).
We missed the families we left behind.
We missed home.

We didn't miss Facebook, emails or text messages.
We didn't miss our hectic American schedule, running from one place to another.
We didn't miss the constant demand for more (more stuff, more toys, more clothes, more entertainment).
We didn't miss those aspects of home.

But then again, those things aren't home.  The truth of the matter is, sitting here at my familiar desk, in my cozy house, hair drying from a nice hot shower, my favorite jeans and a nice new t-shirt on, I'm still not home.  This isn't home.

1 Peter 2:11 says we are aliens or strangers in this world.  The whole WORLD should be a foreign land to us, it should ALL be uncomfortable; even my cozy little house, in my cozy little neighborhood should be uncomfortable.  We are called to be in this world yes, absolutely, but we are not of this world. And all the worldly things that surround us, drowned us, and pull us from our true home, where we REALLY belong should leave us feeling uncomfortable, foreign, alien, like we aren't where we are supposed to be.

Ephesians 2:19 says we are members of God's household, fellow citizens with God's people.  That is where our home is, with God, in heaven.  And no we aren't there yet, none of us are.  We are simply not home yet.  And we should feel like that.  This world is a foreign land, even if you have lived your whole life in the same small town, that little town is not where you will spend eternity.

As I looked around the strange land of Haiti, taking in the trash in the streets, the broken buildings and abject poverty, it was uncomfortable, it was pretty obvious I didn't fit in.  But I also knew I was right where God wanted me, and surprisingly, there was a whole lot of comfort in that. 

I wasn't home, that was for sure.  

But then again, this isn't home either. 

Haiti Bound

I have to admit that for most of my adult life (and my younger days too if I'm being honest) I really thought I was doing my kids a favor by raising them where we are.  We are in an area just outside of a fairly big city, we have excellent schools, a big church with lots of programming and resources, a neighborhood full of kids and just about anything we could want within a 30-45 minute drive.  

However in the last few years I have come to realize that perhaps I got this one wrong.  The area we live in is also one of the top five wealthiest counties in America.  And where I once saw opportunity and resources I now see materialism and pride.  Where I once saw family friendly neighbors where kids play outside while the moms visit, I now see kids who are over scheduled and moms who are overcommitted   Where I once saw parents who work hard to provide the best for their children, I now see parents who have their priorities way out of whack.  Don't get me wrong.  I still love where we live, I love the people around us and feel like this is EXACTLY where God wants us.  He has just opened my eyes to some realities I needed to see.

In just a few hours I will board a plane with my 11 year old daughter and head to Haiti.  The poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  We will visit with, love on and play with children who have been orphaned or abandoned living in abject poverty, children who have absolutely NO material possessions and who are eager to get whatever limited education is available to them.  Yet these children have a faith that inspires me.  They believe in Christ with a conviction us spoiled Americans find it difficult to emulate.  

I have visited this country one other time and I am excited to see it again, this time through the eyes of my daughter.  I am excited to see what God shows her, what she learns, and how she processes it all.  I am excited to see how God uses her and how she reconciles the life she lives with those of the kids we will soon meet.  

If you are so inspired to pray for us in the coming days we would so very much appreciate it.  I look forward to sharing our stories and lessons with you when we get back!

But right now, Isabella and I are Haiti bound!!!

An All Consuming, Unconditional Love

Where does the time go?

Last week I sent the kids back to school.  Where did the summer go?

Last week I sent my oldest child to middle school!  Where did the years ago?

I swear we brought her home from the hospital just last year!  I remember looking at her, thinking, "I don't have a clue what I am doing!  But oh my heavens do I love her!!"  I loved her with a love I had never experienced before.  I loved her instantly. I loved her with a love that was all consuming.  I loved her unconditionally.  It made no difference what she did or didn't do, how she would grow or who she would become, there was nothing that would ever change how much I loved her.

A few months ago she was a toddler (at least it feels like it was a few months ago) and life was messy.  She was messy, the house was messy, I was messy.  She had her share of temper tantrums, honestly, I had my share too!  But it didn't change my love for her.  I loved her with an all consuming love.  I loved her unconditionally, even in the messy moments, even in the middle of her temper tantrums.  It hurt me to see them, but it didn't make me love her any less.  

Last month she was a preschooler.  She seemed so big that first day of preschool, with hair in barrettes, clothes clean and pressed.  She brought home art work that I couldn't decipher and writing I couldn't read, her work was FAR from perfect, but I loved it!  I loved her!  I loved her with a love that was all consuming.  I loved her unconditionally.  It didn't matter that her stick figures were missing most of their parts, while her peers were drawing far more detailed pictures.  It didn't matter that language skills came harder for her.  I was proud of what she drew, what she had accomplished and who she was.  And her imperfect attempts didn't make me love her any less. 

Last week she started kindergarten.  She was officially a big kid now.  Some of the school work was hard for her.  She wasn't the smartest kid in class, she wasn't the fastest or funniest or coolest.  But I loved her just the same.  I loved her with a love that was all consuming.  I loved her unconditionally.  It didn't matter that other kids won amazing awards, or were recognized for stellar performance.  I didn't love Isabella any less when she didn't get the accolades or honors.  

Yesterday Isabella started middle school. Through the years I have gotten to know her better.  I know more of her inner thoughts, her fears, and her feelings.  And she knows me better.  Our relationship is changing.  She is starting to see me as a person and not just her mom.  She knows what my dreams are and I know what hers are.  She knows what I am scared of, what keeps me up at nights, and I know the same about her.   Though we are closer now, I don't LOVE her anymore.  I still love her with a love that is all consuming, just like I loved that baby.  I love her with a love that is unconditional, just like I loved that messy toddler.  I love her now, just like I loved that preschooler and school-ager.

Our relationship has changed over the years, but my love for her hasn't.

The same can be said for our Heavenly Father.  I don't know where you are in your spiritual journey.  I don't now whether you are at the infant stage of your faith or the toddler stage; maybe you have a school-age faith or maybe you have a mature adult faith.  Whatever stage you find yourself in, your Heavenly Father loves you.  He loves you with an all consuming love.  He loves you with an unconditional love.  He loves you even when you are messy.  He loves you even when your very best work just doesn't compare to others around you.  He loves you even when you are not the smartest, funniest or coolest.  He loves even when others are winning awards and your work looks like kindergarten work.  He doesn't love you more the more mature or further in your faith you get.  Your relationship with Him will change, but His love doesn't.  

It doesn't matter if you have the faith of an infant, toddler, preschooler, school-ager or someone more mature.  He always has and always will love you.  He loves you with an all consuming, unconditional love.

A Life Lived Well, Part 2

"Well done, good and faithful servant!"

Matthew 25:21

I am sure you are all familiar with these words.  They are found in a parable Jesus tells in the book of Matthew.  Three servants are given some of their master's money or "talents" before he leaves town.  I won't recap the whole story, you can read it yourself in Matthew 25:14-30.  But within this parable the servants who properly manage what they have been given are rewarded and praised with these words, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

They are words I dream of hearing some day as I stand before my master, my God and King.  I pray the life I am living is one that is being lived well; that I am properly managing what I have been given; and that one day I will be told these words.  

I think a lot of people dream of hearing these words.  I think some people even expect to hear these words.  Honestly, most of us would probably say we are pretty good people.  Sure we might sin a little, but the Bible says we ALL sin, so we can't really avoid that.  Besides, we're supposed to be humble so we better say we're sinful even if we don't really think we are!  

If we get down to it though, I wonder just how many of us bank on hearing these words of praise at the end of our life?  It's not like we expect the master to say, "Perfectly done!"  No one expects him to say, "Really, AMAZING job!  You couldn't have done better!"   All we are asking for is a little ol', "well done."  That's hardly too much to ask!  Or is it?

In the parable there are three servants, only two of them hear these words.  One of them does not.  It wasn't until I really started studying this passage that I began to get concerned about the third servant.  I mean, what did he do that was so wrong?  It's not like he squandered the talent. He wasn't like the Prodigal son who spent what wasn't even his. The prodigal son was welcomed back with open arms.  But this poor servant, who gave back EXACTLY what he was given, was punished.  I don't get it!  What did he do wrong? And more importantly, how can I make sure I don't do the exact same thing!!

I have thought A LOT about this.  I have read this passage over and over, I have prayed about this passage, asking God to show me He wanted me to learn from it.  And here is what I think He has been telling me.  Here is what the third servant did that was so wrong...

He didn't know his master. 

He didn't know him.  The servant tried to justify his actions by explaining that he knew the master was a hard man who harvested where he did not sow and gathered where he did not scatter seed.  The servant was scared of him.  So rather than risk losing what wasn't his in the first place and angering the hard master, the servant hid the money, and when the master returned he gave back to him exactly what he had been given. The master responds with this comment, "...So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?"  It's the question mark I have never noticed before.  

The master isn't agreeing that he is a hard and wretched man.  It's more like he is saying, "That's what you think of me, huh?"  But the fact is, he was neither hard nor wretched.  He gave three servants an opportunity to do something great, to do something for him and only two of them did.  Those two he generously rewarded, not the actions of a hard or wretched man.  The other servant had a distorted view of his master.  He didn't really know him. And he didn't take the time to find out what the master expected of him.  

Had he spent more time in his masters presence, had he paid more attention to his master's actions and his expectations of those who worked for him, perhaps the servant would have acted differently. 

It wasn't that the master expected the same return on his investment from this servant.  He didn't expect this servant to earn him five talents or even two, it wasn't about how much he  could earn for the master.  It was simply about taking what the master had blessed him with and doing something good with it.  It was about knowing the master enough to recognize he wouldn't be mad if there wasn't a bountiful harvest as long as there was something!

Our master has given us all a lot.  He has given us giftings and resources and love.  And he expects us to know Him enough to know how to use these gifts and to know what exactly it is He expects of us.  He doesn't care how talented we are, he doesn't care how much fruit we bring in or how many people we reach.  He doesn't care if my talent is kindergarten work and yours looks like a PhD in perfection!  He is pleased with both efforts!  And if you take the time to get to know your Master he will show you EXACTLY what he wants you to do with what he has given you.

How sad if at the end of our life we meet Jesus and say, "Thank you for all that you gave me.  I so appreciate it.  But, I didn't really use it, so you can have it back, exactly what you gave to me.  It's in mint condition, 'cause again, I didn't really use it."

You have been given much, but you are expected to use it.  You are expected to use it for His glory and not for your own.  But in order to do that, you have to know your master.  You have to spend time in His presences, listen to His word, and do what He asks.  That is the key to a life lived well.  

Joy

Summer is beginning to wind down in our household.  The kids go back to school later this week.  It's hard to believe another year has gone by.  

This summer has been a happy one, we didn't travel, we didn't do any "great" things.  But we had a lot of fun with the occasional incredibly boring days thrown in.  I think kids need those days too.  

One of the lessons I learned this summer is there is a difference between joy and happiness.  I had an opportunity to share this lesson on another blog recently and it posted today.  I would love for you to check it out by clicking here!

I wish you all a very joyful day!!